Review: Beauty School Copouts

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Writer Daniel Maier on MTV’s much hyped new beauty show

 

MTV’s latest constructed reality dense-off lurches around some kind of flimsy career-in-beauty premise. Which essentially means that the eight mouth-breathing clowns shoved in a house to get pissed, shout and rut on camera might occasionally have to leave their cages to take part in some utterly redundant ‘professional’ task which, of course, has as much to do with training as a beautician as punching a gosling has to do with learning to be a surveyor. It’s all such utter cobblers you can’t even get angry about it. Though there’s more than a whiff of lazy shorthand about the vocation of choice here. The prejudicial implication, you suspect, is meant to be that aspiring to a career in beauty already marks out the participants as unskilled, low-rung chaff. Training as locksmiths wouldn’t be loaded with the same comedic signifiers. Unfortunately, they do pretty much all appear to be unskilled, low-rung chaff.

 

The women run the gamut from baked potato painted by a blind child to bleached scarecrow that’s lost a paintball match. The men are Cuprinoled plankton. Drag queen Calvin seems the most personable of the lot, which is damning enough. But so what? When wasters this ridiculous are plied with knowingly non-self-aware nuggets to deliver to camera solely in order to get the viewers’ Twitter fingers itching, when you know you’re being played, when you know none of this has anything to do with reality but is simply about plumbing the extremest depths of the already nonsensical Geordie Shore and The Valleys to create an even less credible arseholefest, the whole thing just ends up washing over you. This girl doesn’t really think that one’s a bitch.That guy doesn’t genuinely believe he’s God’s gift. Anyone versed in this puke’n’screw genre has endured all these tropes to the point of exhaustion. It’s just more of the same, but somehow thinner and less credible than its trashy antecedents.

 

Don’t let the supposed beauty theme fool you. You’ll learn more about make-up from ‘999: What’s Your Emergency?’ If you haven’t already seen this all before, you really don’t want to start now. Ugly.

 

Beauty School Copouts is on MTV on Tuesdays at 10pm

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